At the conclusion of spring practice 2025, I found myself sitting with the offensive coordinator of a Power 4 football program, reviewing the results of a recent peer evaluation for one of his players.
The results weren’t good.
The freshman quarterback — highly talented, full of potential — had shown flashes of what he could become. But the feedback pointed to a different issue. Not one of ethics or integrity, but something more subtle and, in many ways, more important.
The quarterback’s competitive character was lacking.
The habits. The discipline. The commitment. The intangible attributes that allow talent to reach its ceiling.
As the coach worked through the feedback, I could feel the tension building. Finally, he looked up and said:
“I can’t share this with him now. The portal window opens in a week…he’ll be gone.”
His concern was legitimate.
I acknowledged the situation, but offered this:
“Then say what you need to say right now to give him hope. But when he comes back after the May break…you owe him an honest conversation.”
A few weeks later, my phone rang. The OC was calling.
“Hey, he’s back. I’m ready to have that conversation. Will you come by and sit in on it with us?”
I agreed.
When I arrived, he met me in the hallway and said something I didn’t expect:
“I want you to run the meeting.”
So we went in.
We sat down with the player.
And we talked.
Or more accurately…
he talked.
At least for the first thirty minutes.
At the end of the hour, after the player had left, the coach turned to me and said:
“I did not expect it to go like that.”
I asked him to elaborate.
“You didn’t really say anything for the first half hour,” he said. “You just kept asking him questions.”
And that’s when it hit me.
I’ve spent years telling leaders how to give feedback. How to receive feedback.
But I haven’t spent nearly enough time actually showing them how to have the conversation.
That realization forced me to take a step back…to think more intentionally about how I prepare for those moments — and how I help other leaders do the same.
Because knowing what needs to be said…
and being prepared to say it well…
are not the same thing.
The Quiet Cost of Avoidance
Most leaders don’t set out to avoid hard conversations. In fact, the opposite is usually true.
We care deeply about the people involved, the outcome, the tone of the interaction.
And because we care, we hesitate.
We want to get things right.
We don’t want to damage trust.
We don’t want to overreact.
We don’t want to create unnecessary friction.
So…we wait.
But over time, something subtle begins to happen.
The issue doesn’t go away — rather, it settles in.
And the problem that once felt like an exception…starts to feel like the norm.
I’ve come to believe this is one of the more difficult realities of leadership:
What we choose not to address rarely disappears and instead is usually reinforced.
The Challenge Isn’t Courage — It’s Clarity
We often talk about the need for courage in leadership — and rightly so.
But in my experience, many of these moments don’t break down because of a lack of courage.
They break down because of a lack of clarity.
- We’re not fully clear on what we want.
- We haven’t thought through the impact of saying nothing.
- We haven’t identified what the other person may not be seeing.
- And as a result, we go into the conversation uncertain.
That uncertainty shows up quickly.
The message gets softened.
The point gets missed.
The outcome gets muddied.
A Simple Way to Prepare
In working through this process myself — and in learning from other leaders — slowing down and preparing with intention is helpful.
To that point, I’ve developed a simple framework that has proven useful. I call it R.A.I.S.E.
It’s not a script.
It’s a way to think clearly before you speak.
So the next time you need to have a hard conversation, set aside an hour and work diligently through the following model:
R — Result: What is my desired outcome?
Before the conversation begins, ask:
What needs to be different when this conversation is over?
Not “what’s been frustrating me.”
Not “what I want to say.”But what outcome matters most?
Example:
A colleague regularly redirects conversations in meetings, often cutting others off.
The frustration is real.
But the desired result isn’t: “Stop being disruptive.”
It’s more specific: “I want our meetings to create space for everyone to contribute without interruption.”
That level of clarity shapes everything that follows.
A — Aftermath: What happens if I don’t address this?
This is the question that often moves a leader from hesitation to action, because the cost of avoidance may not be immediate — but is always cumulative.
What are the implications…For me? For the other person? For the team?
Example:
A high-performing team member consistently delivers strong results but has begun to create tension within the group.
If left unaddressed:
- For me: I begin to lose credibility as a leader by appearing unwilling to address behavior that doesn’t align with our standards. My frustration grows to a point of distraction.
- For the individual: He/she continues operating without awareness of the (negative) impact, thus limiting personal growth and effectiveness.
- For the team: Trust erodes, collaboration declines, and a dangerous precedent is set.
At some point, what is tolerated becomes understood as acceptable.
I — Insight: What do others need to “see?”
In many cases, individuals are not intentionally misaligned.
They simply lack visibility.
What gap exists between perception and reality?
What truth are others currently missing?
Example:
A manager believes he is supporting his team by staying closely involved in every decision.
He reviews every deliverable.
He weighs in on every call.
He makes the final call on even routine issues.
From his perspective, he is being helpful — ensuring quality and reducing risk.
But there’s another side he may not see:
- His involvement is slowing decision-making and keeping him tied up in work others could own.
- The team is becoming dependent, waiting for his input rather than developing its own judgment.
- And while he is focused on tasks others could handle, higher-level priorities that require his attention go unaddressed.
Same intent. Different impact.
The role of the leader in this moment is not to accuse — but to clarify.
To help others see what they may not yet understand.
S — Standards: To what am I anchoring this?
This is where the conversation gains stability.
Without a shared standard, the discussion can readily feel like personal attack or subjective matter.
With a shared standard, the discussion becomes about alignment. A standard could be a core value, a role responsibility, or a documented team member expectation.
Example:
A team member has developed a habit of arriving late to internal meetings.
Rather than framing tardiness as a personal frustration, the conversation can be anchored in expectation:
“Our team has committed to being present and prepared at the start of meetings. That’s part of how we show respect for one another’s time.”
The standard provides the foundation for the anchor.
E — Exploration: What questions will I ask?
Finally, consider how you will engage the other person in the conversation.
If the goal is simply to deliver a message, talking may be enough.
If the goal is ownership, questions are required.
· How do you see this?
· What do you think the impact has been or will be?
· What would ideal look like here?
Example:
A project deadline was missed.
Rather than beginning with a directive, the conversation might start with:
“Help me understand what happened here.”
Followed by:
“What impact do you think this had on the broader team?”
And ultimately:
“What needs to change moving forward?”
The answers to reflective questions often reveal more than any pointed statement could. Moreover, gaining others’ perspective first is important. If an insight comes out of their mouth instead of yours, they will receive the challenge differently.
Bringing It Together
Hard conversations are rarely easy. But they are often necessary.
And when approached without preparation, they tend to drift —
becoming either too soft to matter or too sharp to be productive.
Taking time to think through these five areas brings clarity. And clarity has a way of steadying a leader.
A Final Reflection
I still think back to that conversation with the quarterback.
Not because of what was said.
But because of how it unfolded.
A conversation that could have easily been avoided…
delayed…
or softened…
became one of the most productive moments that player had experienced.
Not because it was perfectly delivered.
But because it was prepared in advance.
There was clarity in the outcome. Clarity in the standard.
And space created for the player to think, to respond, and to take ownership.
And maybe most importantly…he stayed.
Not because the message was easy to hear.
But because it was honest — and handled with intention.
That experience reinforced something I continue to learn:
Hard conversations, when done well, don’t push people away.
More often…they pull people in.
They create clarity.
They build trust.
They elevate the standard.
But they rarely happen by accident.
They happen when a leader takes the time to prepare.
So the next time you find yourself sitting with something that needs to be said…
Don’t rush it.
Don’t avoid it.
R.A.I.S.E. your level of preparation.
And then step into the conversation with clarity.
Because in the end…
the conversations we’re tempted to avoid
are often the ones that matter most.
R.A.I.S.E. the Standard: Elevating the Hard Conversation was originally published in Horizon Performance on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
